If you thought the references to Soviet Gulags in descriptions of the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba detention center were overstatement, then prepare yourself for actualization. Bush shifts on the Batshit-Insane World Leaders spectrum, from Hitler to Stalin, with the preliminary step in getting the Gulags he so deserves. (Seriously folks, he believes, truly believes, in his heart and soul that he's earned the authority to establish his own Gulag system... why take that right away from him?) First the propaganda, then the prison camps, then the totalitarian regime. Now if only we could do away with the Democrats so they'd stop protesting the imminent theocracy.
We'll need a title for Georgie when this happens. If a sultan is the ruler of a Muslim government, then with what salutation should the adorn our fearless (so long as fearless means you won't go to war yourself) leader? He's like some sort of Born Again Christian Superhero, so I suggest some manipulation of Bizarro Sultan.
If Junior were indeed the Bizarro Sultan, then I suppose urinating on the Quran would bring, not the scorn of Allah, but instead the promise of his 72 brown-eye virgins. (Karl Rove told him they were "brown-eye virgins", not brown-eyed virgins. You know Dubya can't read English much less Arabic, plus Rove has a feeling that Dubya's into anal.) So this explains the "inadvertent splashing of the Quran with urine" as a ploy by our President to both, get some dookie on his noodle and please the almighty Halla (his bizarro god). See, it doesn't seem so terrible now that you know the truth.
I suppose being the Bizarro Sultan is a better reason for our foreign policy than the revenge of a woman scorned. Revenge is a dish best served thermonuclear with a side of the wild condoleezza rice, don't you agree Iran?
I disclaim the opinions I espoused in this piece. Some of what I've said is contrary to my beliefs in the spirit of sarcasm and satire, and some of it is completely fucking wrong as far as sensitivity goes. I mean really, do you think I'd follow rediculous notions, such as Condoleezza Rice hardening towards Iran over an ex-boyfriend? That's poppycock... I know that it's not personal, it's just that it's her job to hate Muslims.
Don't know why I didn't stumble upon this sooner, but this had me goiong for a good minute. In the spirit of Stupid Mammal "HEY! LOOK AT THIS" mentality, I bring you Lil' Jon meets DVD Jon.
dvd jon: Is that a Battle Royale DVD?
lil jon: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
dj: That's the Chinese flick with Go-go from Kill Bill?
lj: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
dj: You can't watch that here.
lj: What?!?
dj: You can't watch it.
lj: What?!?
dj: It's "region 3"?
lj: What?!?
dj: It won't work in your player.
lj: What?!?
dj: Give it to me. I'll fix it.
lj: OKAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!
dj: see the movie industry wants to control where and how you watch the movies that you've already bought.
lj: YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
dj: but since their system is totally inept, its trivial to work around in case your computer or DVD player isn't Officially Sanctioned By The Motion Picture ASSociation.
lj: Hmmm.. So you're saying you can analyze the encrypted content, extract the encryption key, and recode it so I can watch the movie, which I purchased with my hard-earned cash, in the comfort of my own home instead of having to travel to China in order to watch it?
dj: YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
lj: OKAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!
Panopticist (Who is a maker and purveyor of fake magazine covers, apparently.) reminds me that Ourmedia is, in fact, the hotness.
In pointing out Sam Bisbee's contribution to Creative Commons licensed media in Ourmedia's repository, I am not only entertained with the low-budget high-effect music video for You Are Here, but am also overjoyed that I could obtain such content in a way that is legal, ethical and socially conscious.
However, now that it's done playing, I'm going to go back to listening to pirated music.
As is well know, I dig mash-ups.
I also being an incredible dork, I dig Star Wars.
Apparently out there, there are a few that are geekier, more talented and are even more shameless than myself; which brings is to DJ Daft Fader. Lord Vader on the turntables please... You dig it to.
I really wanted this Dark Side of the Garden tee, but the bastard is sold out... Same deal with this one. I love you threadless, why do you hurt me so?
Other tee site that I really dig: DISTRO.Y
I picked up a BITCHIN' C64 shirt from there. Commie Blue with LOAD "*",8,1 front and center. Now THAT is rocking geek wear.
You probably know what the * and ",8" are, but do you know what rocking the ",1" does?
The Bill Shatner Po' Boy
In a large metal bowl, mix 1/4 cup of sugar, 1/8 cup of rosemary, 1/4 cup of fresh minced garlic, 1 cup of kosher salt, and 1/8 cup of fresh ground black pepper with 8 lbs of cubed lamb and 8 lbs of cubed venison. When the ingredients are well mixed, grind the meat mixture in a meat grinder and put into a mechanical sausage stuffer. Be sure to push all of the air out of the stuffer so there are no air pockets in the sausages. Fill a 15 foot pork casing with the ground meat. When the casing is filled entirely, twist the sausages in alternating directions to create 6 to 8-inch long sausages. Boil the sausages first and finish on a grill or a pan. In a pan, sauté chopped onions and peppers in minced garlic and olive oil or butter. Cut open a hoagie roll and spread a very thin layer of ranch dressing on the inside of both halves. Split the sausages lengthwise and place on the roll. Top with sauteed peppers, onions and your favorite cheese and enjoy.
Recipe by: Brandon Seekins with help from Food Network.
Thanks to: William Shatner for smelling so delicious and James Spader for letting us all know about it.
This recipe should really work and produce a great sandiwch. If you're feeling adventurous and you'd like to get a taste of Shatner's sausage, try to whip one up and let me know how it goes.
I was talking to a friend Graydon one day about what's wrong with Japanese porn. Not to imply that there is something inherently wrong with another culture's porn or anything, it's just that from our cultural standpoint JapPorn is a far departure from love, american style. We boiled it down to the fact that in JapPorn, everything is fetishized. In American Porn, inorder to maintain a threshold of enough pink to keep you going, but enough filler to keep you from being desensitized to the nature of the porn; the filler comes in the form of bad acting and in the case of "Whore of the Rings", "Space Nuts" or "Star Whores" enhanced visual effects.
Apparently, people in porn have blogs too, but remember; when you download porn, your stealing from fluffers. Enough about high production value pornography and those who make it, how about notpron? I love notpron almost as much or possibly even more than real pron. NotPorn is a web puzzle/riddle that utilizes Google, morse code, binary and audio clues as puzzles and that's only within the first 15 levels. Currently there are 134 levels as of this article. New levels are added all the time and they come in 3 'flavors' ala Super Mario Bros. zone numbers (Positive, Negative & Greek). I've been a sucker for Alternate Reality Gaming ever since the A.I. game from 2001. Essentially it was a detective story shrouded in HTML and other sorts of geekery. The story was alright, but the puzzles kept me going more than anything. In the end I really didn't care who Aaron (Evan?) Chan was or why he had bagle nipples or why he was unexplicably killed on his boat, but the fact that I had to decode Base 64 textblocks and photoshop images looking for differences in color of +2 on a level of green captivated me in the worst way. Call it fun, call it aspergers; I enjoyed it. If you don't feel like playing with gifs or clues hidden in sound files, maybe The Python Challenge is more for you. If I knew more python I would give a damn, but after getting stuck 8 levels deep, I gave up. Besides if you know python that well, you're probably trying to read this page with Lynx (not Lynx) and not used to regular bathing.
If it wasn't for puzzles like that, I'd spend my entire day playing 20 questions with Darth Vader. Better than most of the things that they've slapped the Star Wars logo on, Burger King's "Sith Sense" game is pretty on the money. I have yet to stump it when it comes to animals, but it seems to not be able to correctly guess Porn Stars, go fig. Speaking of Lord Vader, I love this tee.
After my second watching of Revenge of the Sith on HK "bootreg" DVD, bad acting aside, I believe this trilogy ended on a good note. Granted I still have to watch the Clone Wars cartoon for some things to make more sense (How can General Grevious, a robot, have a wheezing cough? Was it so fanboys will identify with his character?). Afterwards I was treated to a list of lessons learned from Revenge of the Sith:
1. When the leader says “Everything’s fine, go wait on the LAVA PLANET", be suspicious.
2. The Dark Side of the Force is called “The Dark Side” for a reason. It’s not like “The Dark Side of the Moon".
3. Robots with cutesy voices are annoying, not adorable. That goes double for aliens with cutesy voices. Triple for robots with cutesy voices and smoker’s cough.
4. For some reason, robots talk to each other in English, instead of using wifi or bluetooth or something.
5. Coruscant OB/GYN technology leaves something to be desired. [Update: “Luke” and “Leia” are clearly the Naboo words for “Morphine” and “Epidural"]
6. 20 years seems like nothing when you’re ruling the galaxy.
7. Don’t forget what happened to your mother in the last movie, or there will be extra exposition.
8. Darth Vader is not scarier with an artful allusion to Frankenstein.
Just like senile Santa I'm here to dispense crap you didn't want and then urinate on your rug, no matter how much you think it ties the room together. Now, to the crap dispensary.
Here are some things I intended to write about, but are too feeble to warrant an independent post.
In the unlikely event that you've both, got to build an infrafed camera and can only do so with the money you can find in your couch cushions and the couch cushions of your friends, then read this guide to building an IR WebCam. However, if you've got alot of money to burn, fuck that camera project and buy this portable rotary phone. It's only 400$ and you can one up that guy with the Zach Morris cell phone.
we make money not art is an interesting blog on art and tehnology, and is in the long list of blogs that I now read, but cannot figure out where I heard of them. About a month ago, I saw one of the greatest interactive electronic art installations to come along in quite some time. It's such a simple concept, which I love, and it seems like it'd be fun to play with. Oh yeah, and it's got a well conceived artistic message about technologically induced anxiety and electronic voyeurism and surveillance.
If you're in Williamsburg, you've now got three things to remember: Number one, please don't feed the hipsters. It takes alot of bohemian laziness and a drug-addled sense of style to maintain that cool waifish veneer. Number two, if you're going to be required to buy your clothes secondhand, please make sure that the garments don't smell like either a commune or mothballs before you wear them in public. And finally, be sure to visit the Free Store (Really, you should fill out the free NYT registration for this article. You can even fill in garbage if you want, they won't mind.). If you only go to one store that's part art installation and part sociological experiment, you should make it the Free Store. Quickly before Gawker's prediction of Urban Outfitters rebranding the store's wares and marking them up comes true. It's at Grand and Berry in Williamsburg and you should remember to bring things with you to leave at the store in trade for the things you will likely take. Bring all that stuff you were going to sell at your yard sale and trade them in here for other stuff you could sell at your yard sale.
Have you always wanted to try your hand at Scientology, but L. Ron Hubbard always scared you a little bit? Better yet, does Tom Cruise scare you... alot. Like, you don't know how he held his cool through the 80's and 90's to make all those movies just to freak out now on Oprah over how he's giving it to Katie Holmes daily, nightly and ever so rightly? Well then Scientology is definitely out of the question, but you shouldn't pass up Fictionology just because it demonstrates how arbitrary organized religion is by being not just rediculous, but overtly made up. Priceless quote: "Sure, it's total bullshit," Jurgenson added. "But that's Fictionology. Praise Batman!" Thank you the Onion web news, you're what fake journalism and fake news is all about.
Usually I side with gay rights on their civil rights issues, but honestly, I'm not sure which side of the issue I'm going to take here. The Massachusetts gay rights movement that thinks a state funded, high school distributed guide to being gay needs to have the words "fuckin', suckin' and lickin' butt" and a list of the places you're most likely to find some buttlove in the Boston area, which seems a little outrageous to me. Listen guys, I support you in whatever other consenting adults you want to sleep with, but it's a shame when a bunch of conservative homosexual-conspiracy theorists becomes the word of reason in the room. Article 8 really never deserves to be respected so long as they're trying to hold down someone's basic civil rights, but seriously, so long as the GLSEN needs to include pictures of dongs and the phrase "no dookie on your noodle" in their condom guides, no one will respect them either. 
No one's asking you to acquiesce to conservative bigotry, just try not to disgust or insult my decency when I read your publication intended for general teenage circulation. I did read Trust — The Hand Book: A Guide To The Sensual And Spiritual Art Of Handballing (Don't ask me why... seriously), so it should be reasonably hard to put me off with informative, helpful literature.
And finally, I'll leave you with some "vintage soft erotica/trailer advertisements"... if you know what I mean. Wait a minute. Nevermind what I said earlier. Everything in that homo-handbook pales in comparison to this quote which should never, ever find its way into print again: "I sure would like it if you'd get in this shower, tie me up, and sing Peter Frampton songs, if you know what I mean!" I'm not sure if it makes me weird, but I had to stop and put on Baby, I Love Your Way when I read that line. I need some help.
...you do not talk about Mah Jong Fight Club. Also, if someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out, the Mah Jong game is over. If this is your first night at Mah Jong Fight Club, you have to play Mah Jong. We all know that Mah Jong Fight Club leads to Project Canasta Mayhem. The only thing left, is blowing up the WPT building to destroy all the poker records and effectively set us all back to zero.
What I'd like to know is, why can't someone remind me when Chuck Palahniuk comes around and reads grotesqueries to a crowded Barnes & Noble. I missed a legitimate chance to see people faint, smack their head on a bookshelf and bleed all over the floor? What a blown opportunity!
So in compensation, even if Screenhead can't pronounce his name they've tipped me off to an interview with Chunky Peanutbutter (Chuck Palahniuk's last name is made up of and pronounced like his grandparents' first names: Paula and Nick) that you can listen to here. I won't post the link to the RealAudio version here because I have a keen dislike for, not just the format, but for nearly everything that RealNetworks has ever done or stood for. If you're afraid of MPEG-1 Audio Layer 3 encoded audio, feel free to take your ass to the interview page and find the .ra link your damn self.
